In some strange sense of the word
Meaning that my self-destructive tendencies haven't quite overpowered
The grace of my God
And have been for a while now
Choking and unable to breathe. Adding to the misery
While a small voice in my head whispers that this is just what I deserve
A mess of plans gone wrong and a disaster waiting to happen
As the things I loved and the things I wished for and dreamed of came within my grasp
And then quietly slipped away.
All the while,
To put aside these thoughts
Of glittering knives and speeding cars and venomous snakes
Whispering to me of easy ends
Watching the people I love cry from things I have said
and being completely unable to fix it.
Unable to make them understand
My hardest to remember that even in this nightmare, even when it seems that all is lost and the daylight will never come
My God is in control.
To myself what I'm trying to see as true:
This will not destroy me, He has not forgotten me, and
In spite of me,
All will be well again.